Last year was a rollercoaster ride for me. I went through my first serious breakup. Unfortunately, I had to deal with dishonesty and infidelity from someone I loved. It broke my heart, and I learned to cope with the harsh reality for the latter half of the year. This experience was something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I will never forget the day I found out how she went behind my back and broke the trust I had given her. After taking off the rose-tinted glasses, I discovered that she was a person with tremendous amounts of baggage from her past, and it led her down a path of self-destruction.
Throughout the journey of rediscovering myself, I reflected upon my actions and realized that I had a lot more to learn. I was never perfect in the relationship and made many mistakes that ultimately pushed her away. I was naïve and immature when I was in a relationship with her. I grew dependent on her to satisfy my needs, and I lost myself during the quarantine. I was not motivated, self-sufficient, and happy with where I was in my life. Eventually, I took her for granted and did not do my best to show her the love she needed.
After the breakup, I decided to seek faith in Christianity. I am still currently seeking answers. However, during one of the Sunday services, the pastor emphasized how people often see only tiny portions of reality and dwell on the small pieces. The only way to see the bigger picture is to view life through the lens of Gratitude.
I remember how I went through all of the stages of grief, and even now, I might not come to full acceptance yet. I was despondent, depressed, and highly resentful. In the beginning, I wanted my ex to feel pain and live a life full of regrets, but after the message of Gratitude, I began to see things more clearly.
I was fortunate enough to have the breakup happen early into my senior year of college. It gave me a sufficient amount of time to find new friends and make my future life choices with a clearer picture. I initially believed that she was the one for me. As Cliché as it sounded, I wanted to settle, live the rest of my life sharing all the memories with her. Now that is no longer an option, and I can make these decisions for myself without additional emotional attachment.
I also took the opportunity and research topics relating to relationships and why people cheat. Many psychological concepts that I learned previously resurfaced. Attachment styles are crucial ideas to understand because they allow you to identify your inclination for specific actions after a traumatic or undesirable event. Your tendency to “fight or flight” is often related to your attachment style. I am anxiously attached, whereas my ex was an avoidantly attached individual. People that are avoidantly attached tend to have a more challenging time communicating their emotions to others. After learning this knowledge, I learned to show empathy towards her. I understand how difficult it was to grow up in a family that only stresses the importance of success and lacks emotional empathy. She had to do everything herself and could not share her feelings with anyone.
I hope the best for her. I still hurt occasionally when I think about her and what could’ve been. Still, the best action I can take now is to focus on myself and move forward towards my goal. I will be a much better version of myself regardless of whether she reaches out or not in the future.
2022 will be the year I step out of my comfort zone and actively improve myself. I will be focusing on cutting out self-pleasure and diverting my energy to other facets of my life. I will also start taking cold showers to challenge my self-discipline and mental fortitude.